Farting is arguably the most underutilized bodily function known to man. It can be used as a distraction, a warning, or a sweet sonnet to a loved one. The manner in which a fart is released can be used for your advantage if done correctly, or can result in tragic loss. This article will go over the practice… nay… the ART of the fart.
If you’ve never farted before or have never heard a fart in your life and don’t know what it is – a fart is an excretion of air through the butthole. It is a poop ghost; every time a poop dies in your digestive system its ghost (a fart) leaves the body.
Much like a ghost, you cannot see it, but you can hear it sometimes and smell it all the time. It will haunt your nostrils for a short period of time and then fly away. If it is a particularly bad fart it will stay longer (up to 15 minutes) and you will also be able to taste it; it tastes like poop. Now that you know the science behind farting, you can better comprehend how it can be used artistically.
As a self-proclaimed fartist, my favorite use of the fart is as a distraction. For example, when I’m at a funeral and people are crying to the point where it’s annoying, I’ll let out a “squealer”. The “squealer” will distract the crying person from their sorrows as they wonder who let the pig in. To perform the “squealer” or any other type of fart for that matter, you must experiment with both the opening and closing of the butthole and the forcing of air through it. The “squealer” requires a tight opening with a quick force of air (think of letting air out of a balloon while pulling on the sides of the opening).
Another type of fart that’s particularly useful is the “Big Johnny”. This is basically just a long, loud fart. This requires a large buildup of air, so you’ll need to hold in several natural-sized farts to save up for the “Big Johnny”. No need for force as you want it to last long. A good time to use the “Big Johnny” is when you’re talking to that guy that just doesn’t have anything interesting to say and is just boring to listen to; whenever he starts talking just cut him off with a “Big Johnny”. It might go something like this: “My girlfriend and I are kind of in a rough patch…” (BRRRRRRRRRT!!!). Perfect! Now you don’t have to listen to his dumb story. Another variation of this is the “Wet Johnny” which requires diet preparation. Eat something that makes your stomach unsettled, like wet cat food or poisonous mushrooms. Now your “Big Johnny” should come out as a “Wet Johnny”. Be careful that you are not wearing your favorite underwear. (WARNING: DON’T ACTUALLY EAT POISONOUS MUSHROOMS! THEY’RE POISONOUS, IDIOT!)
Farts can also be used as a warning, just like when a dog starts to growl if you get near his favorite toy. This one requires very good bowel control. Start pushing out a fart and then throttle it down as it starts to come out. It will have sort of a low growl to it. A good example of when I use this fart is when someone tries to get all up in my personal space. Like if my grandma is trying to give me a hug, I can slip out a warning fart. If the sound doesn’t stop her, hopefully the smell will. I can’t stand the feel of wrinkly old skin. It slides over the bones and slips and jiggles like an overcooked lasagna noodle. Gross!
Finally, my favorite way to use a fart is as an expression of love through song. This requires much practice and it starts out like the “squealer”, but you must learn to tune it so that you can play a melody. I had an experience one time where I was going in for a kiss with a girl. Once our lips touched I started farting out the first 6 notes of the theme from “Beauty and the Beast”. I could tell she was really into it; Luckily I had some gas reserves, as all fartists should. I could tell she was enjoying it because after my 3 minute 56 second sonnet ended, she was in tears. She was completely engulfed in the beauty – the booty beauty. Her name was Lacy. She dead now.
Just like Michelangelo sculpted that one thing and Picatto painted that swirly thing with such detail and emotion, so must you hone your skill in the fart. It took me four years to learn all the farts that I wrote about in this blog. It might take you longer, but just remember that every soiled underwear is one step closer to becoming a true fartist.