Dear Pam

Dear Pam,

This letter is to help you on your Kenya trip. I happen to know more about Kenya than I do about any other country that starts with the letter “K”. Did you know Kenya has more polar bears than any country in the world? Guess what? You just learned something and you had fun learning it.

When you get to Kenya-town, bring a unicorn with you. That way the people will know that you are magic. Also, unicorn poop is great for dry skin. I have some on my face right now as I’m writing this. When you greet the people, you can call the women Kenyas and the men Kenyos. They will have no clue what you are talking about, but at least you’ve broken the ice. I hope this advice gets to you on time. I wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself in front of the locals.

I have some great ideas for crafts for the kids if you run out of things to do, or if you just see one of my awesome ideas and decide immediately that you need to scrap everything you’ve done so far because my crafts are better. Let’s roll this out like dough for spaghetti noodles:

Craft Ideas

Bee-nut Butter and Jelly sandwiches

First, you grab some bread and spread two slices with jelly. Next, find some bees and catch them between the two slices of jellied bread. After you’ve caught enough bees, smash them real good. This is not a good craft for kids that are allergic to bees, or jelly, or fun


This craft is just a rock. Just find a rock and be happy.

Macaroni and Cheese necklace

Typical idiots make necklaces out of macaroni and call it a craft. They are so stupid, cuz they forgot the cheese. Make sure to cook the noodles and put cheese on them. Then the kids can have a necklace and eat it too

That concludes all the ideas. If you’ve done all these crafts and the kids ask if there are any more crafts, tell them “no”, because that’s it. That’s all the crafts.

The Kenyans do not speak English, but they do understand the phrase “cuddily cuddily coo coo”. If you are ever alone and a tiger is eating your legs, just call out “cuddily cuddily coo coo” and the Kenyans will help you by laughing at your misfortune. Don’t worry, you’ve just earned their respect. Plus, tigers don’t typically live as long as humans, so you can just wait until the tiger dies to get your legs free.

Oops, I fell asleep writing this. Now, I’m awake again because it is a new day and I’m ready to finish this letter. The most important thing to know about Kenya is that the children need absolutely no supervision whatsoever. They are used to seeing tigers and polar bears every day. So when you see a small child playing next to a lion, don’t even worry about it. The child has probably already developed a long-standing relationship with the lion and 9 times out of 10 the child will not be harmed. However, you have no such relationship with the wildlife around you. Everything will eat you, even small chickens. My best advice to you is to find a pile of elephant poop and roll around in it. That way when some animal inevitably starts eating you, you won’t taste quite as good and it will spit you out.

Here’s a song that you can sing to the kids. Make up your own melody:

Little baby boy 
You are a baby and a boy
Now let’s have a time
And make some little toys
Little baby girl
You are a baby and a girl
Now let’s have a time
And eat a baby squirrel
Little baby kids
You are babies and kids
Now let’s have a time
And catch a sticky squid
Happy Happy 1,2,3
Happy Happy A,B,C
Make some crafts and life your lives
Play with toys and play with knives




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