To Whom It May Concern:
Today I received 2 letters noting a condo violation. They are identical. That seems like a waste of paper, but I’m not an environmentalist, so I can’t be sure if that will actually be detrimental to our beautiful Earth.
You referenced an initial letter dated 7/14/16 and state that you did not receive a written response or that the required maintenance was not performed. Unlike Al Gore, I did not invent the internet, but I was still able to track down two e-mails in response to your initial letter dated 7/22/16 and 10/7/16. They were both sent to Sally Thomas, who did not respond, even after my offer to bake her some cookies (not as a bribe, but as a kind gesture). I can re-send both these e-mails at your request. However, they will just reiterate the same points that I will make in this e-mail.
I’m glad we can get back to the subject at hand after all these months of wretched peace and quiet, as I patiently waited at my door, hoping and praying for another violation letter. To my delight I received two! Both letters address weeds in the planting bed around the base of the exterior of my unit. With your frequent letters always on my mind, constantly reminding me, I’ve made sure to keep my eye out for weeds. I’ve just now taken some pictures to show the current state of my flower beds. Please see attached.
This is image 1 of 2 planting beds in the back of my condo. As stated in prior correspondence, I’m neither a master gardener nor botanist, but I am able to identify, generically, the plants you see in the picture. The long thin-leaved plants are flowers and the fat-leaved vine is a cucumber plant. I don’t believe either of these are weeds. I would agree that they do not look aesthetically pleasing, but I am unable to control their appearance. The flowers might be dying or going into hibernation – I’m not sure. The cucumbers are doing well though, despite the yellowish color of some of the leaves. They are still producing cucumbers. Next time you come around on your regular violation search, please feel free to snip a cucumber off. I recommend a pinch of salt or some ranch dressing with it.
This is an image of the second of two planting beds in the back of my condo. The two fatter plants produce flowers and the two taller pepper plants produce nothing, because slugs came by and chewed up all the leaves. None of these plants would be considered weeds in most circles.
This is an image of the front planting bed. The big dark thing is a bush/shrub… that’s pretty much all I have to say about that. The green stuff at the bottom is a type of ground cover, which I hope will fill the planting bed, as it produces cute little flowers during the Spring. You must have missed them on your regular violation rounds during that time.
Please let me know which plants you consider weeds. If possible, please circle the offending plant in the picture and I will have it removed, beheaded, and incinerated in a crematorium. Those vile growths will never torture your eyes again (unless their offspring grow in their place, like a hydra!) Weeding is a constant battle, but I’m willing to continue to fight, if you’re willing to keep sending me violation letters of encouragement. Thank you for your vigilance.
Please consider this my written response to all of your letters regarding my planting beds.