Rat Letter Office Memo

Interoffice e-mail sent in response to a complaint:



Recently, a complaint form was written up for bagels left out overnight. The main concern mentioned was a fear of rats being attracted to the food left out. As Bagel Coordinator, I’m required to take action in order to resolve this issue. I’ve thought of a few ideas, and am open to any additional input from fellow members.


  1. Rat Traps – We purchase 3 rat traps and hide one in each bag of bagels. If any rats show up to eat our bagels, SNAP! They’re dead!
  2. Cheese – It’s a well-documented fact that a rat’s favorite food is cheese. Each bagel day we put a block of cheese outside next to the sewer grate. The rats will be attracted to the cheese and won’t even bother coming inside.
  3. Mouse Trap Board Game – We’ll scale up the classic board game and put the bagels under the drop cage. As soon as we see a rat, we’ll start playing a full game of Mouse Trap and if we time it right, we’ll catch the rat and have fun doing it!
  4. Office Cats – One of the ways we can give back to the community is to help out local feral cats. We’ll capture several feral cats and let them roam free in the office. We won’t have to feed them as they will have plenty of rats to eat. We’ll be helping the community and protecting our bagels from rodents. If the feral cat population gets out of control in the office, we can bring in coyotes to keep the cat population at a controlled level.
  5. Floor Bagels – Rats are known to be surprisingly hygienic critters. If we leave the bagels on the floor, the rats will notice the unhygienic, germ-ridden bagels and will simply pass them by and politely leave the building.
  6. Fortify – The rats can’t get to our bagels if they can’t get in the building. We’ll spend some money to put up a barbed-wire fence, wall, or moat around the building and hire a security guard. No animals will be allowed in the building without proper ID
  7. Treaty – If we can all agree as a group to not trespass into the sewers, we could sign a treaty with the rats that would keep them out of our building. I only hope that one day we can live in harmony.
  8. Reminder – I can remind you to clean up the bagels at 11:00 if it’s your bagel day


Please let me know your thoughts.




–          Curtis  –



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